the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
