I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
