so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
