Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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