hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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