You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
