My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
