Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
