they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
