i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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