let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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