I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
