we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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