its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
