I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
