Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
