So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
