a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
someone owes me an orgasm
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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