Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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