I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
