I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
