I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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