Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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