They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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