Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
