You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
