You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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