i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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