I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
