summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
