Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
