Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
