the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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