it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
