Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize