weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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