Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
