hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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