I skipped work to stalk him.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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