and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
