he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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