Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
