Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
