the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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