This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Randomize
