I only kidnapped one of them. chill
accomplished twins. life is a go
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
