i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
