Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
