everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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