I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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