I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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