Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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