I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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