If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
