Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
