insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
